All We Are
by a-lady-to-me
Summary: Series 2/AU - After John leaves with Vera, Anna is devastated. But what if someone had come along to mend Anna's broken heart? When John returns about to be free from his wife, and ready to marry Anna; he may not find things exactly how he left them. Will John fight to keep the love of his life? Or will he let his insecurities get in the way, and watch her slip away to another man?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Hello! So this is my very first multi-chapter fic. This idea came into my head one night a few weeks ago, and it has stuck with me, and developed into quite a thing. Please don't be turned off by the description, I promise there will be a happy ending! A big thank you to DriftingWithoutAnAnchor from Tumblr for helping with a certain character name! And a big big thank you to my dear friend Handy-for-the-bus for all of her wonderful help, advice, and patience. I am really nervous about posting this, so please let me know what you think!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Downton, or any of the characters or stories. That honor goes to Julian Fellowes.

* * *

It had been exactly 29 days since she had watched him roll away, wife in tow, down the lane. Away from Downton, and away from her forever. Did he have any idea that he had taken her heart with him? She had a feeling he did; she also had a feeling that he had left his behind with her.

She found herself constantly repeating his words from that night in her head over and over again, _"Vera has reminded me that I am a married man. That I must give my vows another chance."_ She knew this was a lie. She knew that he hated that vile woman, and that he only truly loved her. She knew…and she clung to that knowledge everyday. Otherwise she feared for her sanity.

The people around her were worried, she could tell. Mrs. Hughes would try to give her extra tasks to keep her occupied, Lady Mary would chatter on about useless things so that they didn't have to talk about either of their lost loves. Even Thomas and O'Brien left her alone, which was a blessed relief.

It was at night that it was the hardest. Her mind consumed with thoughts of him. How they had dreamed of owning a hotel together, or how he had held her in the courtyard the night he had asked her to marry him (in a rather unconventional way). If she was feeling especially torturous she would think about the softness of his lips against hers; his hand in her hair, on her neck, on her waist pulling her into him. How she could feel all the pent up passion from their years together, and yet all the restraint of an uncertain future, just in that one kiss. She would try to freeze it in her mind; remember every little detail in its most specific form. She shuttered to think of what would happen if that memory faded. Then she would let the silent tears and muffled sobs that had become her routine lull her into a fitful sleep.

This was how she survived her days; business and memories. Clinging to the hope that he would some how, some way find his way back to her. She had to believe that. That somewhere he was out there, fighting for her; fighting for them and their future together. Some days she had more hope than others. It was on the 35th day that they were asked to stand to welcome the new valet. She inwardly cringed. She had silently prayed that Thomas would just stay, and be satisfied to fill the post, but of course he wasn't. This just seemed to be the last nail in the coffin; no more Mr. Bates.

"Allow me to introduce Mr. Peter Brooks, his Lordship's new valet." Mr. Carson's voice bellowed through the servant's hall.

Anna decided that she better be polite. It wasn't this poor mans fault that he was replacing the long lost love of her life. As everyone made their introductions she looked up to study him, she prided herself on her observation skills. He was handsome she supposed, and she knew the younger maids would have a field day with this one. He didn't have that arrogant look about him though, like Thomas so often did. In fact she noted that he had a very kind face. Slowly but surely the introduction line made its way to her. She held out her hand to him, "I'm Anna, the head housemaid."

That hit a major cord, but how else was she supposed to introduce herself? She cringed inwardly again, forced a smile on the outside, and shook the mans hand.

"It is a pleasure to meet you Anna, the head housemaid." He smiled genuinely back at her then turned to the others, "It's a pleasure to meet all of you, thank you for the warm welcome."

"Mr. Brooks, you will be shadowing Mr. Barrow for the remainder of the week, then you will begin your duties fully." Mr. Carson then instructed both men to be on their way.

As they left the room Anna made a mental note to do damage control after Thomas left for good. Mr. Brooks seemed kind, and she didn't want Thomas filling his head with nonsense that could cost him his job. Her life might be falling apart around her, but that doesn't mean she wants anyone else's to as well. Just as she felt a new batch of painful tears brewing, Lady Mary's bell rang. She put on her mask of acceptance, and set off for another busy day.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Here is chapter 2! In this chapter we get a little more of Anna's pain, and also a glimpse of John's. And some Vera nastiness...Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Downton, or any of the characters or stories. That honor goes to Julian Fellowes.

* * *

She was there, in the courtyard...with him. She could smell the wet night air mixing with the rich scent of his shaving lotion. She could feel his heart beating beneath her hands. Feel the stubble that always surfaced after a long day. He was there. He was there.

She felt him shift beneath her, but she kept her eyes tightly shut not wanting to disturb the moment. Then she felt his lips press firmly against hers. Strong, warm, and so very real. She felt his tongue tease her bottom lip, asking for permission that she was all too willing to grant. She tasted him. The strong taste of tea, and peppermint, and the faint hint of cigarettes. He was here. He was everywhere; invading all her senses, and surrounding her in safety and love.

His lips left hers and softly journeyed to her ear. "I love you, Anna." He whispered.  
Then suddenly he was gone. All her senses lost him in a split second. She opened her eyes to see him slowly drifting away from her.  
"John, no." She whispered, reaching for him.  
She tried to follow him, but her feet felt like they were stuck in mud. They wouldn't move. She began to panic.  
"John, don't leave me! Please come back!" She was screaming now. She couldn't let him go.  
"JOHN!"

She bolted upright in her bed panting. This one was so real. She tried to guide her breathing back to a normal pace, but the sobs overtook her. He had been there. She didn't even try to stop them anymore. When she had dreams like this she found it was best to just let the gut wrenching pain have it's way for a while. She could still feel the soft echo of their kiss; he had been there.  
As she began to calm down, she laid back down and began to think. This was the 3rd time this week she'd had this dream of him. She had never had one so vivid before, and never in any of her previous dreams had he spoken to her. Why now? Why was this recurring dream so different? She found that when she analyzed these dreams of him, it took some of the sting away. Maybe if she could find a way to separate herself from them...but no. This particular dream, while painful, felt different. Felt like it was special; a part of her. A part of her pain. A part of missing him; of loving him.  
It was too much.  
She rolled over pushing her face into her pillow, and let the soft sobs lull back to a hopefully dreamless sleep.

* * *

He shot straight up in his cold bed, panting and screaming,  
"ANNA!"

He had been there with her in the courtyard; their courtyard. He had been holding her, kissing her. God, he could still taste her; the sweetness of the sugar she liked in her tea. He could still smell the lavender scent of her hair, and the wild sunshine smell of her skin. She had enveloped his senses completely. Then just as he had told her he loved her, he had felt himself being pulled away from her warm arms. He could see her crying out for him, and struggling to get to him, but he couldn't get away from whatever was dragging him away. He struggled and cried out for her, but she couldn't hear him.  
It had been so real.

This was the 3rd time this week he had experienced this dream, or nightmare rather. He always dreamed of her, but this one...this one felt different. It was so real, every detail so vivid. Never in his life had he experienced anything like the intensity of this dream. Even after the war. There was something about it that told him it was special, but he couldn't quite figure out why.  
He rubbed his face, as he slowly woke himself up. Only to remember that his life had turned into a very real nightmare; the worst nightmare actually. Life without her; without his Anna. He felt the all too familiar tears begin their tracts down his face. He was alone so he let the sobs have him. He turned his face into his pillow so that the snake wouldn't hear him from the other room. The last thing he needed was to supply her with more venom to torture him with. She had done enough of that; quite enough.

The first night he'd had the dream, he had gotten out of bed to get some water to calm himself. He must have woken her up screaming, because as he stood there she crept into the room and began to unleash her venom.  
"You dreaming of your little tart, Johnny boy?"  
He glared at her as she approached him. He shuddered to think that he used to find this vicious creature appealing.  
"You dreaming of her opening up her legs for another man like she did for you?"  
He slammed the water down on the table, and grabbed her by the wrist. He would let her talk about him all she wanted, but she would not disgrace Anna.  
"You know nothing, Vera. Nothing of honor and dignity. That woman is the very embodiment of those words, and I would never disgrace her like that. You may open up your legs for everyone who shows interest, and trust me I will find proof of it if you do, but you will NOT under any circumstances drag Anna down with you." He practically growled at her, then released her. She gave him a flippant, "We'll see about that Batesy," and trounced off to her room. Leaving him fuming, with no hope of any rest that night.

He had to do something. He had to find his way back to Anna. He had to believe that she still loved him; that she could forgive him, even though he had left her so broken. The sobs began to take him again. He cried himself back into another restless sleep, and more lost dreams of his broken love.

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_Please review! xx_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N****: **First of all thank you to everyone who has followed/favorited/or reviewed this story! You guys make my heart so happy, and encourage me to keep writing! Sorry for the delay in updating! This chapter gave me a lot of problems. In this chapter we get to know Peter Brooks a little better, and this chapter is the beginning of his relationship with Anna. Just keep it mind that I did promise you a happy Banna ending, and I will deliver! ;)

A huge, massive, THANK YOU and gabillions of hugs to my Twin Beef, handy-for-the-bus. I literally could not have written this chapter without her, and her encouragement!

Hope you guys enjoy this, and please review! xxx

**Disclaimer****: **Same as the last 2 chapters!

* * *

The next few weeks continued on much the same way for Anna, as she blindly navigated through her pain. She woke up screaming his name every night like clockwork. Every time the dream was just as vivid as the first time, and every time the pain would almost take her breath away. She was exhausted. She could only pray that she was doing a better job of hiding it then she was handling it.

She walked towards the servant's hall one night to wait there for Lady Mary to ring her for bedtime. It was late, and the only other person there was Mr. Brooks. He must be waiting for His Lordship, she thought to herself. She took a moment to stand back and observe him. He was a fairly attractive man; the other maids had certainly noticed that. His hair was light brown, and she could tell that even though he kept it neat it was curly and probably wild when left untamed. He was tall, and rather slim. She noticed that he was very social and interactive with the other staff. He had exchanged pleasantries and tried to speak with her on a few occasions, but she supposed her demeanor was not very accepting of conversation right now. He must have picked up on that. He was not at all like Mr...she stopped that thought right where it was. It would do no good to start comparing the two of them. Surely it would only cause her more heartache.

He looked up at her as she finally walked in, and gave a quick kind smile before returning to his paper. If he had noticed her observing him, he gave no indication of it. As she sat down she decided a little small talk, and manners on her part wouldn't go amiss. She really hadn't had the opportunity to speak with him yet so she seized the chance.

"So, Mr. Brooks, how are you settling in now that Thomas is gone?"

He looked up from his newspaper, placing it down on the table, and smiled at her.

"Oh quite well, thank you. Mr. Barrow was a bit of a character, but I saw past him. I am quite enjoying the job now."

Anna was relieved that he had seen through Thomas.

"Oh good. I did mean to warn you about him, but I am afraid time got away from me. I'm glad that you are enjoying things now." She gave him a tired smile.

"Well thank you, Miss..." He paused waiting for her.

"Oh please, just call me Anna. I am just a housemaid after all."

"Housemaids are wildly underestimated in my opinion." He smiled at her, and she gave him a weak smile in return.

"Well that's a very bold statement, Mr. Brooks," she tried to tease, and he winked at her. Not in a flirtatious way, she noted, but more in the way of silly banter.

Just then Lady Mary's bell went off, and she began to get up to go to her.

"Have a good night, Anna. Thank you for the chat." He smiled at her, and she replied, "You too, Mr. Brooks. Good night." Returning his smile she turned, and ascended the stairs. Praying for a peaceful night she knew wouldn't come.

* * *

He watched Anna worriedly as she left the servants hall to tend to Lady Mary. He had not worked up the nerve to ask her if she was alright. He could tell just in the short month he had been here that she had not been sleeping the last few weeks.

'You barely know her Peter, you have no right to ask her such things.' He knew that was true, but Anna had been so kind to him since he came to Downton. In a strange way he did feel like he knew her. Probably because the instant he met her, he was immediately reminded of his mother. She had the same inner beauty that radiated out of her like sunshine, and enhanced her equally stunning outer beauty. As he observed her more the similarities only grew. She was so patient, and was always willing to lend a helping hand when needed. He couldn't help it he felt drawn to her.

But there was something lingering behind her eyes, something he couldn't quite put his finger on. Resentment? Pain? Sadness? As he started to take notice of these deeper parts of her, he began to notice how tired she was becoming. More so every day in fact. He found himself wondering why she wasn't sleeping? Why she hardly smiled? And when she did, why didn't it reach her eyes?

It wasn't his place to wonder these things, but wonder he did.

As he laid his head to the pillow that night, he said a silent prayer for Anna, and made up his mind that he would make it his goal to help her find her smile again.

* * *

The next day Peter sat quietly in the servant's hall doing some mending; while he listened to Ms. O'Brien do some of her usual complaining. It hadn't taken him long to recognize her type. Sneaky, spiteful, with a pension for gossip. He always tried to steer clear of people like her.

He was dragged from his thoughts, and realized that her attentions were now on him.

"So, Mr. Brooks, you don't have a secret wife we don't know about do you?

He was caught off guard, "A wife? No. Why would you ask that?"

He noticed the look on her face, and sighed when he realized he had just taken her bait.

"The man you replaced, Mr. Bates, he had an infatuation with our Anna, you see. Didn't bother to tell anyone that he had a wife waiting for him. She shows up, and the next thing you know he's riding off with her down the lane. Leaving us here to deal with Anna sulking around, nursing her broken heart. She should have known better. Always knew there was something off about that Mr. Bates."

So that was it. That was the reason for the sadness behind her eyes, and probably the reason she wasn't sleeping. This Mr. Bates had broken her heart. How could someone do something like that to her? He bit his tongue, fighting his gut reaction to defend Anna against this heartless assessment of her heartbreak. He was not about to let Ms. O'Brien have the satisfaction of an argument. Especially when he didn't have all the facts.

"Well I assure you, Ms. O'Brien, I have no secret wives laying around."

Just then his Lordship's bell rang. Perfect timing, he quickly put his mending away, and left the servant's hall. His mind filled with thoughts of Anna, and how it made him sick that someone would leave her like that. He knew first hand the burden a broken heart could bring to one's life. He wanted to help her get through this; let her know she wasn't alone. He felt this fierce need to protect her, and he couldn't quite place where that need stemmed from. He shook that thought away; she didn't need to be pressured right now. He just needed her to know that he understood her pain, and find a way to help her.

His spent the rest day trying to figure a way to do just that.

* * *

It had been another long exhausting day for Anna, and she felt every bit of it as she made her way down to the servant's hall. She needed a cup of tea before bed. It always seemed to help her settle down after a day like this...or at least it used to.

She noticed light coming from the servant's hall as she made her way down the stairs. Mrs. Hughes must have left one lit for her knowing that Lady Mary was running late. Surely no one else was up at this hour.

She went directly to the kitchen to put a kettle on, and started when she saw that there was already one going. Just then she felt a presence behind her. She jumped back and turned around letting a loud gasp.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." It was Mr. Brooks with his hands in the air as if in surrender. She took a deep breath.

"Quite alright, I just didn't think anyone would be up at this hour."

She turned then to tend the kettle, but he stopped her before she could reach it.

"Here allow me. Please don't take offense, but you look like you could use a rest. Go sit down, and I will bring the tea." The smile he gave her was so sincere that she found she couldn't refuse. Her feet were aching like mad.

"Alright, thank you. I will do that." She returned the smile, and turned to go back to the servant's hall completely unaware of his concerned gaze as it followed her.

* * *

It didn't take him long to get the tea ready, and on the tray to take in to her. He stood back and studied the tray. It needed something. He wanted to do something to cheer her up a little. Suddenly it came to him! He ducked out the back door, grabbed a little bundle of wild flowers and put them in a cup on her tray. It was simple, but he hoped it would make her smile a little. He then proudly picked up the tray, and took off for the servant's hall.

* * *

The moment Anna sat down she felt the day catch up with her. She was so exhausted. Last nights dream had been longer than the others. It had taken longer to scream her way out of it, and then she hadn't been able to go back to sleep. Lady Mary had been particularly short today, but with the appearance of Mr. Matthew with his new fiancé, Anna was neither surprised nor offended by Lady Mary's behavior. Walking on eggshells around her though had only added to her current mood. She heard Mr. Brooks coming down the hall, and straightened herself up.

He came around the corner with a massive grin on his face.

"Surprise. I thought this might... Anna?"

She felt like she someone had knocked all the wind out of her. When Mr. Brooks came around the corner with the tea tray, and she saw the flowers she was immediately transported back in time. The moment she knew he loved her. The moment she knew...the flashback hit her with a sudden wave of fresh grief.

She was vaguely aware of him setting the tray down and quickly rounding the table. He was by her side as she gasped for air, sobbing uncontrollably.

"Anna, what's happened? What's wrong? Should I call for Mrs. Hughes, or the doctor?"

He was rubbing circles on her back trying his best to calm her. She could hear the worry and distress in his voice, but she could not bring herself to answer him. As the sobs began to subside she became embarrassed. She had somehow made her way to crying on his chest, and she felt one of his arms around her awkwardly. She quickly pulled back, and wiped the remaining tears from her swollen face.

"I am so sorry, Mr. Brooks. What you must think of me...acting this way...I think I must go..."

"Anna, it's alright. You are obviously upset..."

She felt the tears coming again, and bit her lip to try and stop them.

"Anna, what's wrong?...and who is John...?" He asked the question shyly as if he didn't really want to ask it, and he already knew the answer.

"How did you...why did you ask that?"

"You were saying his name over and over again while you were crying. Is he the same as this Mr. Bates that I've heard about? Is he the one who broke your heart?"

She was absolutely shocked that he knew all of this, when she hadn't so much as breathed a word of Mr. Bates since he left. Someone must have told him. She felt the anger bubbling up inside of her. Mr. Bates may have left her broken, but she knew he had a good reason...even if he didn't see fit to tell her what it was. Even so she was not about to sit back and let people spread rumors about him; about them.

She took a deep breath trying to calm herself down, and pulled herself away from his awkward attempt to comfort her.

"Where did you hear that?"

He must have read the anger on her face and in her voice, because he quickly took up an apologetic tone.

"Anna...I didn't... I didn't mean to pry, honestly. Ms. O'Brien brought it up yesterday, and I..."

She scoffed, "Ms. O'Brien? You shouldn't believe everything you hear, Mr. Brooks. Especially when it's coming from someone who thrives off gossip better than they do oxygen."

He looked at her with a sympathetic expression. "So she was lying? This Mr. Bates didn't leave you here broken hearted to go back with his wife?"

She jumped to her feet, "How dare you! You have no idea...there is no way you could possibly understand..."

"But that's just it, Anna, I do understand. I'm sorry that I was so blunt before, but you see I knew Ms. O'Brien didn't have all the facts. However I do know that something has been bothering you. I can tell that you aren't sleeping Anna...that you aren't happy. I can tell because I have seen the signs before. In my mother a long time ago...and in myself."

She slowly began to calm down as he spoke. She could see the obvious concern on his face, and he was right. He had seen everything she had been trying so hard to hide. Obviously without much success. She found herself hanging on his every word, sensing in him an understanding that few others had. The understanding of brokenness and love. After a moment he continued to speak.

"Anna I truly did not mean to upset you, and I am deeply sorry for that. I just want you to know that I understand. If in fact it is true that this man broke your heart then I want you to know that I have been where you are, and I know this pain. You are not alone in this. And if you ever need someone to talk to...well, you can come to me anytime."

She took a deep breath trying to decide what to do. Could she trust him? Someone she barely knew to share this pain with her? She looked down at him as he still sat in the chair next to hers. In the back of her mind she noticed that he was sitting on the opposite side of her from the side John used to occupy. As she looked into his eyes she saw nothing but genuine concern, and understanding. She always prided her herself on being able to read people. She knew in the truest part of herself that Mr. Brooks was sincere.

She slowly looked away, and sat back down next to him. Then she turned and looked at him, steeling her courage from somewhere deep inside of her.

"Mr. Brooks..."

"Please, Anna...call me Peter. It's just us down here after all." He gave her a sweet smile.

"Very well...Peter...you say you've been through what I've been through. That you understand, and I believe you. But you see, all you know about my situation are half-truths you heard from someone who wouldn't know the truth if it smacked her."

He opened his mouth to speak, to apologize again she was sure, but she needed to get this out before her courage abandoned her.

"No I need to say this, because I will not have Ms. O'Brien trying to convince people that Mr. Bates used me, then left me. I will not stand by while people try to tarnish his good name with lies. So I am going to tell you the truth."

He nodded solemnly, as if he knew how difficult this was going to be for her. She had a feeling he knew exactly how difficult.

"Take your time Anna. The tea is still warm, and I'm not going anywhere."

He poured out the tea, as she began to pour out her heart.

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_Thank you for reading! Please review xx_


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N****: **First of all I am so sorry for the delay with posting this chapter! I suffered from major writer's block, and I hope it hasn't caused you all to loose interest in the story. Thank you to all of those who are sticking with me.

A huge, massive, ginormous thank you to my three amiga's: Jo, Alexis, and Becky for keeping me encouraged, and helping me with ideas for this chapter. You guys are the greatest there ever was!

This is a pivotal chapter in Peter and Anna's relationship...with a little bit of a cliffhanger at the end. Enjoy! xx

**Disclaimer****: **Same as Ch. 1-3

* * *

_Dearest Anna, _

_Another day has passed, and all I can tell you is that it was another day in the depths of misery. Just one more day that I didn't get to rest my eyes upon your beauty, or hear your soft angel voice as you whisper to me at the table. More lost moments of happiness, and laughter…of love. I miss you like I would miss the air I breathe. My life is so empty and dark without your light._

_I find myself wondering if I will ever see you again. If I will ever find my way back to you. I am trying, Anna, please believe me. I will fight until my dying breath to be with you again._

_But I wonder... Would you accept me if I did? I wouldn't blame you if your answer was no. I know I crushed your heart so completely, and I fear you will never forgive me for that. I know I will never forgive myself for walking away from you. For leaving you the way I did._

_Anna, my love, if you could find it in your heart to forgive me I would spend everyday making it up to you. I would move the heavens and earth to make you happy._

_I will get free of Vera, and I will find a way back to you...I only hope it's not too late._

_Forever only yours,_

_John_

John dropped his face into his hands as he finished the letter...the letter she would never read. There were hundreds of them. He wrote to her every day, sometimes several times, if only to just feel a small connection to her. The dreams were becoming less frequent now, and he began to realize that he was having difficulty recalling the exact tone of her voice. He felt his heart rate increase as this thought hit him like a slap to the face. He squeezed his eyes shut, and desperately tried to picture the exact contours of her perfect face. It was all hazy. This could not be happening? Surely her memory could not fade from him that quickly? How long had it been...a month...two? God, it had been almost four months! In a way it felt like yesterday, the days going by in such a blur for him as he wallowed in misery. In other ways it felt like an eternity, and with his memories of her beginning to fade it was almost like it never happened at all.

No! He would not loose her. He could not bear to loose her this way...not again.

"Anna, please..." He begged the air as the tears began to roll down his face. He looked down at the letter, crumbled it up, and threw it in the fire where it joined the ashes of all the other letters she would never read. He watched it burn as he begged through his tears for her memory not to leave him utterly alone.

Suddenly he felt a fresh determination take over him, and the tears ceased. He was not going to loose her...he was going to fight his way back to her.

"I will find a way, my love...somehow. I promise."

* * *

It had been several weeks since Anna had poured her heartbreak out to Peter in the servant's hall. Since then they had shared many much more pleasant conversations in the evenings as they waited for their respective family members to ring. Sometimes they were surrounded by others, and sometimes they were alone chatting over cups of tea and biscuits. Either way Anna enjoyed these moments with him. Mr. Brooks had proven to be a wonderful friend to her. She found that these moments with him were like an escape for her. A small moment everyday when she could lay her pain to the side, and focus on something else. He made her laugh, genuinely, he seemed to always have a little joke or funny story to share. Rarely ever did the conversation steer towards serious topics, but when it did he was right there with a steady attentive gaze, and comforting words. He seemed to always know when she was having a bad day, or when she'd had a nightmare. Those were the days when he tried the hardest to make her smile, and to her shock and surprise he usually succeeded.

As much as she enjoyed Peter's company, she always found that she had to pick the pain back up. A constant weight on her shoulders. It followed her around like a bleak shadow attempting to suck the life from her soul.

Four long months had passed, and she found that she had to really concentrate to remember the sound of John's voice. Every night when she settled in to sleep she would replay memories of him in her mind over and over again. It was excruciating, but if reliving their moments together meant that she wouldn't forget him, then she would gladly cry the necessary tears that came with them.

This particular night no tears came as she lay her head down to sleep. It was a blessed relief. It had been an exhausting day that even Peter's kindness hadn't been able to brighten. She prayed for a sound, and dreamless sleep, closed her eyes and hoped her prayers were answered.

* * *

Peter sat quietly in the servant's hall awaiting the start of what would most likely be a busy day. He enjoyed getting downstairs early so that he could appraise everyone's mood...oh who was he kidding. There was only one person's mood that he cared about. Anna. It had taken him back a little when he realized how quickly she was working her way into the center of his little world. He found that his entire day now revolved around her; how she was feeling, if she'd had a bad night. He could always tell by the look on her face the moment she entered the room in the morning.

Yesterday had been a particularly rough one for her, and he sighed when she walked into the servant's hall barely meeting his gaze with a weak smile. Another bad night.

His heart broke every time he saw her like this. He cursed that man, that _Mr. Bates_, for leaving her the way he did. Ever since the night she told him the whole story he'd had to fight back his anger towards this man. She had spoken nothing but kind words about him; telling him how much they had loved each other, but he couldn't help but think that if Mr. Bates had truly loved Anna he never would have left her, so broken the way he had.

The day passed with minimal interaction between the two of them, and he knew this was a particularly bad day indeed. He felt an almost desperate need to ease her pain. Even if he could just make her smile for just a moment.

He was surprised that evening when she entered the servant's hall, and sat down beside him with her mending. Having expected her to avoid him that night too; although he wasn't complaining. Any moment spent with Anna was becoming the best moment of his day. She was silent, and he knew better than to ask her what was on her mind. In the relatively small amount of time he had spent with her he had learned that if Anna wanted to talk about something...she would. The thought made him smile in her direction. She caught, and returned the smile and he felt his heart leap. 'Control yourself Peter' he told himself. The last thing she needed now was someone pining for her...but he wasn't going to lie to himself. His feelings were growing steadily every day. What had started as a mission to help a woman in need, had blossomed into something more.

He was pulled from his thoughts by her soft voice.

"So Mr. Brooks...I mean, Peter" They exchanged smiles at her usual mistake. "Tell me something about yourself that I don't know." Anna smiled at him, genuinely curious for the first time in several days.

He smiled back at her, appraising her curiosity for a moment. "What would you like to know?"

"Well where were you born?"

"I was born in Ripon actually." He said, knowing what her next question would be and silently preparing for it.

"And your parents? Your family? Do they still live around here?" She asked with a smile.

Peter hesitated a moment. "Well no...you see my mother died when I was young. So I was sent to live with my grandmother in London. She raised me."

He watched the smile disappear from her face, and cursed himself for being the cause. She spoke softly. "I'm so very sorry about your mother."

He took a deep breath. "It's alright. I was 7 when she died. I still remember it like it was yesterday." He lowered his head, even after all these years the memories stung.

Anna spoke quietly. "You said you were sent to live with your grandmother...what about your father?" She asked gently.

"My father left us when I was 5. Just decided one day that he was tired of us, I guess. My mother was devastated, she loved him so much..." He stole another steadying breath before he continued. "I'm still convinced she died of a broken heart."

"I'm so sorry. That is...tragic." Anna whispered. "And your Grandmother, is she still living?"

"She died about a year ago. So it's just me now." He said, still looking down at the table. "That is a big reason why I came here to Downton. To escape I suppose. London felt...I don't know...wrong somehow. I feel like I am closer to my mother out here. She so loved the countryside...it may sound silly, but I feel her here."

"It's not silly at all." She whispered.

Neither realized that Anna had laid her hand tenderly over his own while he was talking, until he was done. He looked at her hand over his, and then up at her. She had tears in her eyes. Tears for him? Surely not...but he just could not stop himself. He reached up with the hand that she wasn't currently holding and wiped a tear from her cheek. She closed her eyes when he did this, leaning slightly into his hand, lost in the emotion.

He suddenly felt himself leaning towards her, and it was like his mind had disconnected from his body. She opened her eyes just as he was about to press his lips to hers, and just like that the spell was broken. She jerked like someone had burned her, and stood up with a clatter of chairs and clumsy feet. He thought he heard her mumble a "goodnight" and she was gone.

He sat there shocked for a moment, his hand lying on the table, still warm from her kind touch. He put his head in his hands, shaking it almost violently. What had come over him? He knew only too well the hell she was going through. 'Dammit Peter! What were you thinking?!'

As he sat there, alone in the servants hall he sent up a prayer that he had not just ruined everything. But what was _everything_ now? A professional relationship? A friendship? No...he realized it was much more than any of that.

He was falling in love with her.

* * *

Anna choked back sobs all the way up the stairs until she reached her room, which was blessedly empty. She closed the door, and leaned against it. As the sobs wracked her body she slid helplessly down the door onto the cold floor.

What had just happened? Had they really almost kissed? She didn't even know Peter felt that way about her...Oh God. The one good thing in her life right now may have just been ruined.

She wasn't ready for this. She wasn't ready to try again. She was still desperately clutching at the broken pieces of her heart, trying to put them back together. Peter had helped her so much with that, and she couldn't loose him.

She pulled herself into her bed, not even bothering to change into her nightclothes. She curled herself into a ball, and cried until she had nothing left. After the shock wore off she silently resolved that she would explain to Peter that she wasn't ready, and pray with all she had that he understood. Somewhere deep inside of her she knew he would.

_"Go to sleep, and dream of a better man."_ He had told her. As she closed her eyes that night, she only dreamed of one man. The one who had given her hope only to snatch it all away. The one who had caused her all this pain. The one who had consumed her heart, and made it impossible for her to dream of a better man. For the first time in months the sadness left her, and she felt only one thing towards him. Anger.

* * *

Anna was dreading facing Peter the next morning. She had spent all night trying to think of the words to say that would make him understand. That would keep their friendship in tact, but she kept coming up empty. She supposed the only thing she could do was be honest with him.

As she made it down to the servant's hall she felt her heart sink when she realized he was not there. He was always there. She kept her head low as she found her seat, and began to attempt to eat her breakfast. She had not been seated long when she felt his presence next to her. She hesitantly looked up to meet his gaze, and felt relief at the kindness she found there. Just as she was about to take advantage of the commotion around them, and ask him to talk he beat her to it.

"Anna, if you don't mind...I would like to talk to you later...umm...about last night." She heard a new tone of nervousness in his voice.

She tried to reassure him with her smile. "Yes, Mr. Brooks...tonight in our usual spot alright?"

He returned her smile lightly, trepidation still in his gaze. "I will bring the tea."

They were interrupted then by the bells going off. Exchanging small smiles the two set about their day.

* * *

Before Anna knew it the evening was upon them. After she had prepared all the girls for bed, she took a deep breath stealing herself for the conversation ahead. She found Peter in the servant's hall with a steaming cup of tea waiting for her.

"Ahh, thank you." She smiled, making her way over to him.

"Of course." He said shakily, and she could see the nerves had taken him over. She felt the immediate need to put him at ease somehow.

"Mr. Brooks..."

"Anna, please. Just let me get this out." He met her gaze, and she nodded her ascent taking her seat beside him. He turned to face her, taking a deep breath before he began.

"Anna, I can not tell you how sorry I am for what happened last night. I lost myself, and...I never should have...that is...I know you're not..."

Anna silenced him by placing her hand over his that lay on the table.

"Peter..." She saw the corner of his mouth rise with her use of his given name. She only used it when they were truly alone. "There is no need to apologize. We both simply...got caught up in the moment. But..."

"But, what Anna?" She was sure he could see the fear in her eyes, because he increased his grip on her hand, and said. "You know you can tell me anything, Anna."

She knew that was true.

"I have to know if you...that is...do you have feelings for me?" She lowered her gaze, trying to avoid the truth in his eyes. He was silent for several excruciating heartbeats before he spoke his answer softly.

"Yes."

She took a deep breath. This was it...she was going to loose him. He was going to tell her that he wanted to be with her, and she was going to have to push him away. She was surprised when she felt a new hole open up in her heart. Loosing Peter's friendship was going to break her further, and she wasn't sure she could handle it.

She could feel his eyes on her, assessing her reaction. He brought his hand up under her chin, and forced her to meet his gaze. She felt a rush of relief and tears take over her as she came face to face with his eyes full of understanding, and compassion...but there was something else now, and it shook her to her core. Love.

What was she going to do?

With his hand still cradled under her chin, he spoke.

"Anna...I'm not going to lie to you, I do have feelings for you. But I know that you aren't ready. I understand. I can see that you are scared, and I imagine it's because you're afraid you will loose my friendship, but Anna...I promise you that will never happen." He wiped a tear away from her cheek with his thumb. She felt a wave of relief wash over her, as she let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding in.

"Thank you for that. I wish I could give you more...I'm sorry. I'm just not ready yet...I don't know if I ever will be, and I would hate to give you half of a broken heart when you deserve so much more than that."

He listened attentively, shaking his head slightly at her words. "Anna, you don't ever have to apologize to me. I know how it feels to be broken..." He took a deep breath before continuing. "...but I can tell you Anna, it gets better. I know you can't see it right now. Your future is clouded by pain...but you can move on. There is light at the end of this, and it may take some time but you'll find it."

Her tears were flowing heavy now.

"I hope you're right." She breathed.

"I am, Anna...I know I'm right. You are beautiful, kind, and definitely the strongest woman I have ever met. You will get through this...and I will be here for you every step of the way." His eyes held hers with a solid determination, trying to convince her that what he said was true. She still wasn't sure...and the last thing she wanted was to give him false hope.

"But Peter if I can't..."

"Anna, stop." She tried to lower her gaze, but he kept his hold firm.

"The last thing you need to worry about is me, and my feelings. Yes, they are true...but I don't want you feeling like you can't come to me, because you are afraid of hurting me." He smiled down at her gently giving her a little wink. "I'm pretty tough. I can take it." She found that she couldn't help smiling back at him.

"Thank you, Peter. I'm so thankful for you...for your friendship."

"Anna, I consider it a great privilege to have you in my life." He slowly brought her hand up to his lips, kissing it gently. She was shocked by the fluttering she felt in her stomach at the sweet gesture. He released her hand, and his hold on her chin.

"And now that our tea has officially gone cold, what do you say I make us some more?"

She smiled. "That would be lovely."

* * *

They talked well into the night about everything and nothing. Anna was so pleased that the ease between them had not been broken by their admissions. When she got to the point where she simply could not hold her eyes open, he suggested that they try to at least get a little bit of sleep. After he had cleaned up the remnants of their late night tea they walked together up the stairs in peaceful silence.

Once they reached the separation to the maid's corridor, she turned to him.

"I don't know how to thank you, Peter." She whispered so they wouldn't be caught out

"You don't have to thank me, Anna."

"Oh, but I do...because...you showed me a little glimpse of the light tonight...and that is something I will never be able to repay you for." His smile was breathtaking.

"I'm glad. Good night, Anna. I hope your dreams are a brighter place tonight."

"Good night."

With that he left her. She stood there for a moment watching him walk to his room. When she turned to make her way to the women's side, she found that she couldn't wipe away the silly grin on her face. The realization made her heart grow just a little bit lighter. When she made it to her room, Peter's hopes for brighter dreams rang in her head, and she whispered to herself, "I think they will be."

* * *

The next few days brought with them a new sense of peace. A feeling that Anna had not felt in quite a long time, but yearned for desperately. She still had moments where the pain reared its ugly head, but it was easier to bear knowing she had Peter for support.

Then it happened.

It was a Wednesday...a beautiful sunny day. She had mentioned to Peter that she had to go to the village to pick up some things for Lady Mary.

"I have to go too, want to walk together?" He smiled, and she gladly accepted.

They spent the walk chatting, and laughing, then went their separate ways once they got to the village agreeing to meet back once they were finished. Anna found herself anxious to be back in his company, but she quickly brushed the feeling to the side and went about her business in the village. The time slipped away from her as she ventured from shop to shop, and she realized he was probably long done with his errands. She found him waiting for her on a bench in the square. He stood when he saw her approaching him.

"I was about to organize a search party." He laughed.

"I'm sorry. I lost track of time. Are you ready to head back?" He nodded, insisting on taking some of her bags. He then instinctively held out his arm for her to take.

She hesitated for a moment, but eventually slipped her arm through his. His eyes lit up briefly making her heart leap a little.

It was when they turned to leave that she saw him. Tall, broad...leaning on his cane.

She froze, and felt all the air leave her lungs. She was vaguely aware of Peter's voice beside her asking her what was wrong, but she couldn't respond. She blinked, and just like that he was gone.

She felt her knee's give out on her, and Peter's arms around her waist.

"Anna!"

He caught her in his arms, and carried her back to the bench.

No. No she had to go after him. She had to know if he was really here. She fought Peter off, and he immediately let her go. "Anna? Please tell me what's wrong..."

"No! I have to find him...please leave me alone!" She ran off to the place she had seen him. Leaving Peter confused, and worried behind her in the square.

* * *

_Uh Oh! So did Anna really see John? Or is it a figment of her imagination?...Stick with me guys, it's about to get good! ;)_

_And please review! They make my day! xx_


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